Marketers are the creators of the business world. And the roles that exist in this space are varied. This creates an opportunity for multi-faceted individuals to explore different roles while remaining in the same career field. However, the roles that exist in this space are also nuanced. Leading to confusion for anyone not familiar with the various facets of this industry.

For starters, the title strategist is one that’s been thrown around loosely in recent years. Especially as it relates to the marketing / creative space. But like marketing, as an overall business discipline, there are nuances. The biggest being that not all marketers are brand strategists. And not all brand strategists are marketers.

Let's explore the differences below.

Marketer: Someone who is technically trained in marketing. Usually holding degrees in this space. Someone who is well versed in SWOT analyses, 4 Ps, and Porter’s five forces. This individual is more quant than poet. But can exist at the intersection of both. This person is usually more business-oriented, big picture leaning, and focused on how marketing can lead to greater ROI for a company as a whole.

Brand Strategist: Someone who is a visionary. They can see where an existing brand sits, and envision how they might take the brand in a new direction via structured application of brand principles. This is someone who can see a blank piece of paper and create something out of nothing. This person usually has the technical skills to develop brand principles, messaging frameworks, understand naming conventions, purpose and mission statement development, etc.

Cultural strategist: Someone who is deeply immersed in different cultures, understands the subtext in those cultures, and is able to help companies speak to audiences via a subtext they can understand. This person is usually less technically inclined than a brand strategist or marketer, but is usually more creative.

Behavioral / Ethnographic Strategist: This is a new, but growing space under the marketing umbrella. While other facets of marketing seek to push audiences in specific directions or bring culture to the forefront, an ethnographic strategist seeks to understand audiences in their natural habitat. They are more inclined towards constant exploration of the human experience and seek to apply academic research methodologies to commercial business practices. This person usually has a research background (in psychology or sociology).

These are just a few roles in the plethora of roles that exist within the creator space. Social strategists, comms planners, and programmatic strategists are a few others I can't speak to specifically, but they are in no way less important than the roles listed above.

They say there is nothing new under the sun, but I tend to disagree with this statement. Innovation can be found anywhere and everywhere. But bringing innovation to life requires creativity. It requires people who are willing to think outside the box, forge new paths, and build from scratch. It requires people willing to go against the system and disrupt previously held conventions. It requires people who are brave and willing to stand their ground against an onslaught of negativity and naysaying. It requires freethinkers willing to build.

One thing is for certain: anyone with experience in any of these roles has an important part to play in the creator economy. In a world moving towards a sea of sameness, the last lifeline exists in creators willing to think different and be different.

The #creatoreconomy is the antithesis to corporate america. And holds the promise of giving the next generation avenues to revenue creation that are not tied to corporate overlords. While this fledgeling avenue of commerce ramps up toward global prominence, every creator that seeks to share a message with the world is invited to join this movement.

How might that start? How about via this shameless plug directing you to my website :)

There you will find all the services I offer to help creators get their creative thoughts from idea to execution.

Schedule a consultation with me today. Let’s get started: NEW PROJECT INTAKE

Sincerely,

Emmanuela G. Ebunilo

I’ve always been excellent. Since I was a child, an upward trajectory has fueled my existence. Whether this was a result of my upbringing, or some other tragic occurrence, the results remained the same. Growing up, I was the child who made mostly straight A’s in school. There was one exception to this, and I remember it vividly.

I got my first “C” in my high school Algebra class. My teacher was a strict, yet fair, elderly Japanese woman. She challenged the hell out of me. I remember spending countless nights in my room doing the 40+ problems she assigned and trying to understand the concepts. But I struggled. Her class was the first time I realized that even if you put in your best efforts, the results might not turn out how you like. To me, a “C” was a major L. And I cried when I looked at my final report card. But the silver lining to this story is that it taught me to be a bit more resilient. I can’t even describe to you the feeling I felt when I got my first A in my trigonometry class the next year. But it encompassed utter joy and satisfaction.

My drive towards excellence continued in my career. I entered Corporate America at a young age, and gradually built my career in this space. Always looking for opportunities to demonstrate my skills and stand out. I continued this way until I decided to stop.

Today marks 10 months since I decided to leave corporate America and venture into life, unknown. Well, in all actuality, I’ll never really leave corporate America. I am that space, and that space is me. But at the moment, I have decided that this time in my life calls for something different. A new adventure where I get to define who I am instead of being defined by the people around me.

As I navigate this new mental space, one realization that rings true is my desire to shift away from excellence and shift towards doing good work. And allowing that to be enough.

What I’m saying and experiencing is not novel. I am sure there have been countless professionals who have landed where I currently sit. Individuals who started their careers gungho and ready for change, only to be slapped in the face with the realities of the corporate America system. Because that's exactly what it is. It is a system. One designed to keep order in a society that thrives on chaos. However, often I wonder if the system could benefit from some adjustments for the sake of where we as humans have evolved?

Again, this is where I go back to the concept of excellence. In many careers and professions, excellence is the admission ticket for recognition and reward. While I agree it is the price that should be paid, I feel that price comes at the expense of free expression for the sake of free expression.

While many would describe themselves as writers, or artists, or painters, or musicians, many often limit themselves from full expression in these mediums because they lack the time, effort, or consistency to create at the caliber of people who are considered excellent. People who often have more time and resources to hone their craft. People who are privileged.

Does this mean their art is any less valid, absolutely not. All art is created from the soul. And all souls have a unique message to share with the world. Regardless of their income to asset ratio. That’s why I feel so strongly about the creator economy.

While excellence will always have a place in this world, there can, and should be room for creators who want to put their work into the world. Not for the sake of being excellent, but for the sake of putting their work into the world.

Shifts in thinking and perspective are helping to drive this push towards art for the sake of creation, vs art for the sake of excellence, and I’m loving it. What I love most is that art for the sake of art does not limit commercial viability.

Storytelling, art, and creativity in all senses of the word are necessary. Long gone are the days where only a select few stories are told. Netflix, Hulu, and all other content providers created this reality and changes in technology will propel it forward. With the widening access to create via Amazon’s suite of book creating options, anyone can tell their story and share it with the world. However they want, whenever they want. Sans gatekeepers.

I for one am excited about what's to come as the creator economy continues to develop and grow. I’m excited for a world where many can be seen, heard, and recognized without having to endure battles waged with blood, sweat, and tears.

So while this fledgeling avenue of commerce ramps up toward global prominence, every creator that seeks to share a message with the world is invited to join this movement.

How might that start? How about via this shameless plug directing you to my website :)

There you will find all the services I offer to help creators get their creative thoughts from idea to execution.

Schedule a consultation with me today. Let’s get started: NEW PROJECT INTAKE

Sincerely,

Emmanuela G. Ebunilo

Dear Corporate America,

My relationship with you exists as duality. You have brought me my greatest pains and also my greatest triumphs. And as I stand at the crossroads of destiny vs fate, I’m still unsure how to move forward.

But moving forward requires reflecting on what has been.

This weekend I re-watched “Mean Girls” for the first time in over two decades. When I watched the movie years ago, I did not see the allegory hidden in comedic one-liners. But at my big age and after years of dealing with the headaches that exist in corporate spaces, it’s impossible to ignore.

While time has not changed the comedic value of the film, it has changed my perception of what it means to exist in “girl world” while also navigating corporate halls. Girl world, for those who don’t know, is a place dominated by arbitrary rules, governed by the whims of an often malevolent tyrant masked as a charming cherub, and propped up by the blind obedience of mindless pawns.

This structure dominates many facets of society. And from this structure, the systems that enable some women to mask their predatory behavior are born. My entire life I’ve been on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in “girl world”. I’m not sure what it is. Maybe something about my face screams “She’s weak”. My introverted nature speaks first, but many don’t realize that duality exists, and the phrase “fuck around and find out” is a sentiment not solely relegated to internet conversation.

But that digression aside, one of the greatest “mean girl” battles I’ve faced in corporate spaces is the fight between managers seeking deference and fighting against infantilization.

Corporate America is hierarchical. I don't think anyone would argue that. But I think what many in leadership need to learn is that your title does not give you carte blanche to treat those below you recklessly. Treat people with respect, give them the freedom to move from point A to point B as they see fit (not as you see fit). And watch how you get the best work out of even the most recalcitrant employees. That's my opinion anyway.

But it’s hard for many managers to understand this perspective. Especially new managers. Many assume that control via infantilization, micromanagement, and forced deference are the ways to run a team. However, these tactics only lead to a fearful, mindless, and subjugated workforce. Maybe that's necessary in some instances. But should not be considered the norm.

My view on corporate america often dovetails into my views on relationships, so consider this relationship analogy for context:

When a woman in her feminine is single, she is likely to navigate the world with hyper-vigilance. However, when she is with a supportive partner, she will likely navigate the world from a place of peace and comfort. When an employee feels supported by her employer, she is likely to operate in a state of comfort and peace. But when an employee feels unsafe, she will likely operate from a place of fear, distrust, and survival.

Emotional and psychological safety are two very important aspects of the human experience. That’s what Maslow says anyway. Yet both are often ignored in corporate spaces. How anyone is expected to be their best selves and do their best work while worrying about their co-worker snaking them with a manager, or a client throwing them under the bus is beyond me. But this happens every day. Despite this, people go to their jobs with the hope that fair and decent treatment will find them. Oftentimes, it does. But oftentimes, many experience pains that lead to deteriorated states of mental health.

My career for example has been many instances of employers forcing me to prove my worth under harsh conditions that I could only describe as hazing. These negative attacks have often left me depleted and forced to recover from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and at worse, stress-induced psychosis. From the outside in, any inappropriate behavior that manifest from these bouts of bullying could be viewed as weakness. An inability to cope with the pressures of the job. But in reality, I know I am capable. I’ve simply been existing in spaces where my emotional and psychological safety have not been prioritized.

But when you know better, you do better.

I believe there is opportunity for many employers to maintain a positive symbiotic relationship with employees by remembering employees are people first, and task rabbits second. But it also helps when employees remember this fact for themselves.

Many in corporate America have forgotten that humans are still a majority of the workforce. While AI will soon dominate in certain spaces, AI can yet take over when it comes to human understanding, human empathy, and humans, humaning. I say this because it appears many have forgotten they are not mindless robots programmed to work and toil towards trophies and titles. But sentient beings made for connection, community, camaraderie, and compassion.

While people in corporate America will always strive for validation, entitlements, and financial compensation, I think there’s room to do it in ways that are for the good of all and the harm of none. Maybe I’m being overly idealistic and optimistic. I’m not sure. But what I do know is that I crave a space where my winning doesn't mean someone else loses. I crave a space where my intellect does not threaten. I crave a space where I can be my authentic self without offending anyone else’s sensibilities. But until such a universe exists, I’ll continue to navigate these corporate halls, evading mean girl behavior as best I can. For my sake, and the sake of others.

Sincerely,

An introverted Capricorn in her villain era

In the past, my drive to forge my own path has blinded me to the truth of the world: No one is an island. And you can't do life on your own. But at the same time, when autonomy is part of your driving force, collectivist cultures can be restricting. In this case, I am not speaking about collectivist cultures from an ethnic perspective (i.e Chinese culture vs German) but more so from a community perspective. Specifically the collectivist corporate America community.

Recently, I've seen many posts about juxtaposing viewpoints on the state of Corporate America. On one side, there is discourse about the changes in the advertising industry. Many described the desire for the days when agencies had personality, camaraderie, and loyalty. Days where agencies weren't just amalgamations of talent created for the benefit of a holding company overlord.

Another side believes there is a new wave emerging following the mass layoffs in the tech space: The creator economy. A space where anyone with digital experiences can create and monetize content.

While the social influencer marketing industry was phase 1 of the creator economy, the music industry is poised to usher in the next wave. According to Goldman Sachs, the creator economy is estimated to be a $480 billion industry by 2027. The changes in the music industry (independent artists vs major labels) and the rise in apps dedicated to music automation signals people ready for more autonomy in how they create.

So is there a world where both collective mindsets and autonomy in decision making exist symbiotically? A world where independent creators can form cohorts and coalitions, to maintain their independence, but still benefit from shared economies of scale? I think so.

I call that world the future. I call that world my reality. Care to join me?

I haven’t found my person yet, but I have a strong feeling they are out there searching for me as intently as I am searching for them. However not too intently that we unwittingly seize control from the divine. It’s taken time, but I finally realize my person will only manifest when I stop seeking him in others. This realization spirals into multiple conclusions, but what rings most true is that my person is a combination of all my favorite parts of all the people I thought I loved. 

My reality is I loved aspects of past encounters, but never the whole person. Because they weren’t my person. 

My person is a geek like Yael. The kind of geek that recognizes his quirkiness and comedy are secret weapons; wielding them skillfully and tactfully disarming even the most rigid or  recalcitrant. My person is goofy and random like Ivan. We will play music loudly, unapologetic and uncaring of neighboring shouts to cease, and have impromptu dance sessions. He will keep up with me because he wills it, trying his hardest while I barely put in any effort. Because I enjoy dancing and my happiness is a priority. 

My person is into entertainment and disciplined like Eric. Watching a movie or a show to completion will never be enough. Each silver screen iteration the genesis of a content discovery rabbithole to continue the story beyond the inevitable ending. His body is his temple and he is inclined to protect it from any outside force seeking to corrupt it…even me.My person is brilliant like Avery. A polymath never without an opinion and unable to notice others’ awe-inspired inferiority. He is humble in his brilliance and ability to learn while inspiring others to do the same. Subtle in his wonder, all those who encounter him will be taken aback by his personable nature commingled with an energy too complicated for most to comprehend.

My person is masculine like James. Exuding masterful dedication to fulfillment of my lower pyramid rungs while guiding my path to the apex. He intimately understands currencies, socially and overseas, spending only what he guarantees will return. Or only what he is willing to sacrifice. My person thrives on experiences like Terry. Exploring life from multiple angles and losing himself in new discoveries. 

My attraction to my person is enduring, palpable and identifiable like with Leon and Ian. A pleasantly painful longing so strong resistance causes harm to us separately and dually. Our sex is explosive and playful, soft and intense. Freed inhibitions allowing each to release boundaries and explore undaunted. Our sex is communicative and respectful, selfless and satisfying; our shared mission the platinum rule personified. 

My person is my past experiences converged creating a peace so brilliant all insecurities retreat, like a patronus to a dementor, revealing a woman free to be goofy, quirky, messy, horny, sad, full of energy, silent or willful as she pleases without asking permission or granting explanation. 

My person exists because I exist; multifaceted and dynamic. Believing I alone exist with a drive to be all things and abhorrence for a static, immovable existence is unimaginable. So until we find each other, I will wait with the certainty that the universe will provide in this regard like it has with other aspirations many times before.

Thinking about you hurts, so I have removed all memories of you from my life.
Years passed and I thought I recovered, but as I reflect on our failed romance, I realize we never worked. I told you I loved you. You told me you loved me. But those were just words.

Words. Perfunctorily spoken by lovers hoping feelings would follow.
Words. Continuously damaging years after escaping your lips.
Words. Intentionally forgotten as a mechanism of protection, yet easily remembered when minds are freed from other distractions.

Reflection. I’ve done this unconsciously without external prompting.
Reflection. What I see in the mirror as I contemplate my worth through your eyes.
Reflection. Thoughts called to the forefront; why did I wait to end it? I knew it was wrong.

You were not bad. Not innately. But you were bad for me.
You proved this in the beginning, but my need to feel wanted outweighed my logic.
You were there, and I was there.
You were willing, and I was willing.
So we worked to make it work. But our efforts culminated in wasted time and lasting damage.

Respect. I gave freely and anticipated reciprocity. Outwardly the gentleman, inwardly the coward. Arrogance masking your shortcomings.
Respect. Add “self” at the start and understand what was missing. So delusionally devoted, I claimed your inherent insecurities as my responsibility. And you were unbothered by the detriment to my sanity.
Respectfully sir, I despise you.

Relationships are complicated, but you had more practice than me.
Apologies for thinking this gave you an advantage.
Your expectations and your qualifications do not align. Yet you still expect your needs to be met? The arrogance!
You learned nothing from my predecessors and I feel sorry for the next.
But why am I surprised? Any wether raised by sheep would assume itself a ram.

Lost. Feelings at the end as I navigated the emotional labyrinth created by your exit.
Lost. Time I will never recover.
With you, I lost myself in ways I will never repeat.
But I can’t fault you completely.
My mistakes are my own…and lessons learned.

A friend once shared an analogy with me about the way men view women. According to him, “Men view women the same way they view cars. She is a rental, a lease, or a purchase.”

Rental

This is a minimal investment. He only plans to use a rental for a short amount of time. He might put some gas in it a few times to keep it going, but he will never really take care of a rental. And when he returns the rental, it will never cross his mind again.

Lease

This is a moderate investment. He will keep the lease around for one to several years. His intention is to test out something new without making a major commitment. He will take care of a lease: put gas in it to keep it going, take it to the car wash so it can maintain its appearance, and even change the rims to upgrade its style. But as soon as that lease breaks down or stop working like it used to, he will trade it in for a different car.

Purchase

This is a long-term investment. He’s tried several different leases and learned what he is and is not looking for in a car. He has thought long and hard about this car and when he finds it, he wants to purchase it and keep it forever. He will take care of a purchase. Gas, car washes, new rims, etc. If the purchase breaks down and needs repair, he will take it to the best mechanic and put in the time and effort to maintaining the purchase.

My first thought when I heard this was “you’re a misogynistic bastard.” However I had to swallow my feminist pride and accept that, despite the crudeness of this analogy, there was truth to it. A truth that I and many millennial woman often struggle to grasp as we navigate through the treacherous landscape (willed with fuckboys, Netflix & Chill, and situationships) that is dating in the age of social media. I will admit that for as long as I can remember, I have been on the losing end of several situationships. My friends and family will never admit it, but I have a feeling they are tired of me talking about the reoccurring instances of trifling behavior from the same handful of men that continually enter, exit, and re-enter my life. I’m tired of it too ya’ll.

Though I’ve talked about these men ad nauseum, I didn’t come to a realization about these situationships until recently. I assumed the men I was involved with were all jerks in the end and that I had no involvement in how the situationships ended. However now I know that I was partly to blame because I involved myself with unavailable men and my actions did not encourage these men to treat me in the way I deserve. How did I come to these conclusions? By thinking back to the things men told me, reflecting on their actions towards me, and recognizing that my feelings for them and behavior towards them were unwarranted from jump.

Take Abe for example. When I met Abe he had recently broken up with his girlfriend of three years. He told me that he wanted to be platonic (his exact words) but proceeded to call me every day and behave in very non-platonic ways. Granted, in this instance his words contradicted his actions, but I should have known better than to fall for him. He also told me he and the ex were still friends yet for some reason I was surprised when he got back with her while still engaging with me. Abe was a purchaser; I just wasn’t the right purchase.

Then there was Doug. Doug also recently ended a long-term relationship. He also told me he wasn’t interested in a relationship and was very clear about his intentions. I thought I was fine with this at first and we decided to be just “friends”. But of course this isn’t what I really wanted and in typical just “friends” fashion, my feelings and intentions changed as I got to know him better. His did not. I don’t fault Doug for being a renter.

And I can’t forget Dustin. After a few months of hanging out, Dustin told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I accepted it and we went our separate ways. He popped back into my life for a weekend, and exhibited what I now recognize as renter behavior, so again we went our separate ways but remained acquaintances. I saw potential in Dustin and there was a connection there, so I allowed him to remain in my life without exhibiting purchaser behavior. I was under the impression that Dustin was only ready to be a renter and when he was ready to be a purchaser he would make that known to me. I was wrong. Dustin is currently in a relationship. I am not.

I’ve always been the type of person to read between the lines to find deeper meaning. As a marketer, this is a great skill and it serves me well at work. Unfortunately, until recently, I applied this tactic to dealing with all situations−to my detriment. In one way or another Abe, Doug and Dustin all told me they were unavailable. But I choose to give truth to alternate facts by developing my own interpretation of their actions and falling for them anyway. Although Abe called me every day and showed through his actions that he was interested in me, his words were all I should have listened to. Although Doug and I hung out as friends and I hoped it would turn into more, his words were his truth. Although I thought Dustin and I had a connection, he made his intentions clear and I should have listened to them.

I don’t know if I was lying to myself or just blinded by what could have been. Either way, I should have ended my involvement with Abe, Doug, and Dustin sooner. Instead I had the nerve to be upset when they eventually showed me that I was not their purchase. Logically, I had no reason to be upset by my interactions with these men (because they only did what I allowed them to do). My mistake was assuming all people live by the golden rule and that a man would not intentionally play with a woman’s emotions. I’ve learned this is only applied on a case by case basis depending on what kind of car…I mean woman he’s dealing with.

Ultimately, there’s just something about time that makes things appear clearer. 

I have allowed several men to treat me like a rental or a lease, but to err is human and I’m learning from my mistakes. It’s definitely embarrassing to admit this to myself, much less the world, but my hope is that someone else will learn from my ridiculousness and do better earlier.

I was supposed to post this blog months ago, but life has a way of slowing you down and keeping you from the the things you want to do. I’ve made my way back to this piece, but I will admit that this post was too real to write. It was extremely hard to write this because I had to ask myself questions about my career goals and life choices:

• Am I where I want to be?

• Am I where I feel I am supposed to be? 

These questions, while simple in structure, were difficult to address and left me questioning everything I thought I felt about my life.

I envy the simplicity of professional careers. In saying this, my intention is not to belittle the effort it takes to become a lawyer or a doctor by calling these career paths simple. As someone who has friends who recently finished, recently started, or currently works as a doctor or a lawyer , I fully recognize the blood, sweat, and tears necessary to achieve success. My meaning is this: these professions are simple because there is a clear path laid out and instructions to be followed to reach the end goal: 

1. Go to professional school 

2. Participate in residency/internship

3. Participate in a fellowship

4. Work in private practice or at a firm/hospital 

I may be skipping some steps, but you get my jest.

I have grandiose ambitions that will take blood, sweat, and many tears to achieve, but I have no doubt that I will eventually achieve them. However my path to reaching those goals is less clear. This is the cause of much stress and many restless nights. As I make unguided decisions related to my future, I often wonder if my life decisions thus far have lead me down an irreversible path. A path to a life that is less than what I want and what I am capable. Let me give you some examples. 

My college choice 

If I am being honest with myself, my college decision was based more on wanting to leave my parent’s house than my actual future. Cal Poly Pomona was a good school however could my life have been different if I choose to attend one of the UCs that accepted me? Likely. When I chose to attend Cal Poly Pomona, I told myself it was just the stepping stone. That I would go to a “better” grad school. This is still the goal of course, but I am realizing that my stepping stone was really quick sand when compared to the boost provided to the Harvard, Stanford, and UCLA grads of the world. 

The sad truth is that the system favors people who attend the Harvards, Stanfords, and UCLAs of the world. There is a prestige associated with these schools that recruiters and admissions officers alike gravitate towards; making it difficult for anyone outside these ranks. I am vehemently opposed to the current system in America. A system that judges a fish on its ability to walk, on the part of the ocean where it was raised, and on the shape of its gills. However I also understand that one must adapt to the system if she is to successfully infiltrate and eventually affect real change. My college choice has lead me to so many wonderful life experiences, yet I often feel that my choice has also made my future aspirations…not impossible…but more difficult.

My first job 

I started my career as an account coordinator in an niche agency and as I made strides towards advancing there, I lost count of the number of times I spent 12 hour days filled with putting out fire after fire only to return to my desk the next day and realize small sparks from the previous day had created several more infernos. This was agency life, and I told myself that the long hours and low pay served a purpose, but I no longer think that is true. I learned so much there: about being an adult and about myself. But this agency was not my end goal nor did it have the right name to propel me to where I want to be in life. I often feel that my first job has made reaching my future goals…not impossible…but more difficult. 

I now have another major life decision to contemplate and I become mentally paralyzed when considering which path will yield the best outcome for me and my future family.

Path 1: Get my MBA and expedite my career advancement 

Path 2: Remove the shackles of corporate America and make my own way to financial security and wealth; forgoing the comforts and security of 401Ks, company perks, medical benefits, and stable income. 

Entrepreneurship is my end goal. I know it is possible to do this successfully without the backing of a strong MBA network, but I also feel it would take longer. So who knows, I may eventually do both. The paths to an MBA or entrepreneurship is naturally difficult and it’s painful to think that my college choice and my first job may have made my journey toward either more so. 

In spite of these feelings, everyday I make moves to get closer to achieving my goals. I have no doubt that I have the drive and ambition to make it, but I will admit that the complacently I see everyday is trying to sink into my consciousness and make the mundane seem acceptable. That’s what I really want to talk to ya’ll about. 

I look around my cube filled office everyday at people so complacent and content with their current situation and I wonder "how long did it take them to get here?" "At what point did their life plans go astray and lead them down this path? And the most frightening question of all: "Will my life decisions lead me down a path where I eventually join them?" I constantly have to win my mental battle to not become such a person. A person who comes into work every Monday already wishing it was Friday and verbalizing this sentiment to anyone who will listen. When I hear co-workers make comments like this, I commiserate of course but in the back of my head I repeat the promise I made to myself; Never allow yourself to be the co-worker wishing for Friday evening on Monday morning. 

I know many people reading this will feel that I am belittling their life choices. I am not. I am just being authentic to who I am by admitting this is not the life I want. I want to achieve my grandiose ambitions. I want world-changing. I want paradigm shifting. I want extraordinary. All of my life an upward trajectory has fueled my existence. “Be the best at what you do, or don’t do it at all” are words that drive me every day. So it is almost painful for me to be in an environment where (in my perception) people choose complacency and have stopped trying to be great. Sometimes I wish I could be happy and content with being simple, but I don’t think I could. Maybe for a little while, but eventually I would be plagued with the thoughts “is this it?” “Is this really how I want to live this one life I have been given?” For me, the answer will always be no.

I met a guy once. The way we met was a little crazy and involved clubs, and car accidents. But that’s another story and one I probably won’t post here. But I digress.

He wasnt really my “type” physically. Not tall (I’m 5’9 and like to wear heels so anyone under 6’1 is short to me) and not what most women would consider stereotypically attractive, but there was just something about him that I found very attractive. He is able to hold a conversation with almost anyone (a trait I absolutely don’t have, but admire in others) and I think that combined with his mindset, personality, and just the overall way he carried himself made him attractive.

We conversed for a few months getting to know each other better, and actually hung out in situations that weren’t Netflix and chill. Everything seemed good until the dreaded “what are we” conversation. We weren’t on the same page (I was interested in more and he wanted to play), so we parted amicably.

After almost a year of hearing nothing from this guy, he reached out to me recently. Call me situationally forgetful, or optimistic, or whatever shameful adjective will fit, but I let the months of silence slide for the hope of more.

In the back of my mind, I knew he was only contacting me because we would be in the same vicinity and there was a level of convenience there. In the back of my mind, I knew he wanted to reestablish a rapport with the hope of past situations repeating themselves. In the back of my mind, I knew nothing was different. I knew all of this, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But sadly, one way or another, people prove how predictable they are. He definitely did.

I have so many questions for him like: Because you got a sneak peek behind the curtain a few times, you feel you are entitled to see the show whenever you’re in town? Do you feel entitled as a man to “sow your oats” and I am just another row on your wheat farm? Why must I prove that I am worthy of your respect? Are my credentials (intellectually and personality wise) not enough? Who are you that I should even care?

I used this guy because he is a recent example, but this is definitely not a unique situation. This is the reality of the “dating” world we live in and it’s terrifying.

I’m just a woman looking for intimacy and commitment in a generation of hookups and dissolutions and I’m frustrated. But what I’ve learned from this situation (and those that preceded it) is:

1. I like you, but I love me.

2. My self worth is not tied to what’s between my legs.

3. Run away from any guy whose actions makes you feel less than.

4. Don’t be accommodating to anyone who hasn’t earned that luxury.

5. I owe you NOTHING!

To be honest, I could be completely wrong about my judgements toward him. I’m woman enough to admit that. But I always believe that actions speak louder than words, and his actions, and those of many others like him, have told me everything I needed to hear. I just wasn’t willing to listen at the time.

I’m listening now.

For a long time I lived by the doctrine of the serenity prayer and it got me through many difficult situations. Life was good and I was happy. Until I experienced a life challenge I didn’t foresee happening to me.

My happy faded to the periphery of my mind and was replaced by dark and negative energy. Everyday I tried to reach my happy. At times I could feel the faintest hints of her presence but entitlement, resentment, and disappointment were an impenetrable force keeping us apart. My behavior changed. The way I reacted to people changed. I changed. And not for the better.

But instead of accepting this new negativity as the norm, I vowed to break through it. I chose to find an alternate path instead of dwelling on the roadblocks. I chose to see my situation as a chance for growth instead of a setback in the plans I had for myself. I chose to accept that my situation was not permanent, and I could and would move past it.

In doing this I found my happy. And I couldn’t be happier.

My girl invited me to a paint and pour yesterday. Usually when a friend invites me to an event, four questions pop into my head:

1. Do I have to dress up?

2. How far is it/do I have to drive?

3. What kind of people will be there?

4. How much does it cost?

If the answer to any of these is unfavorable, I  don’t want to go. I’m too lazy. It isn’t worth the effort of getting dressed, spending money, and driving far to have small talk with strangers; an introverts Guantanamo.

All signs pointed to retreating into myself and opting for a Vampire Diaries binge, but I surprised myself and said yes.

Yes to getting dressed.
Yes to driving far.
Yes to spending money.
Yes to small talk.

I went to the event excited for what was to come and it was my fortune to be seated next to the loudest and most obnoxious person in the room (I’m just lucky I guess).

Let me digress for a moment:

I can be simple at times. I like what I like, and I don’t like what I don’t like, so I’m usually one to be quickly irritated by anything which falls outside of my like category. 

People who are loud to the point of distraction are an irritant and fall into the dislike category.

But back to what I was saying.

Two hours were spent listening to this person’s random outbursts in an attempt to rouse a quiet room of painters and I surprised myself again. I was not irritated by her behavior, but I was embarrassed. Embarrassed because I assumed everyone in the room was thinking the same thing: “this woman is so loud and annoying. What is wrong with her?”

Amid a sea of quiet onlookers and those who pretended to not hear the disruptions, there were a few people who responded to her exclamations and some who happily joined in.

As I focused on finishing the painting, I wondered why I cared so much about this woman and why I needed to feel embarrassed for her. She wasn’t embarrassed. She was having a great time while I was preoccupied with her actions and motivations and missing my good time. Missing my life.

I won over my own internal laziness to attend an event I’d never been to, but wasted the  experience on someone else.

I need to change my perspective and motivation, open myself up to opportunities and focus my energy on my experience.

From now on, I will say yes to my life. One event at a time.

Growing up I was constantly criticized for engaging in things that were not categorized as “black.”

I was born in an African country formerly colonized by the British yet at a young age I was also a regular viewer of Mexican telenovelas “Los Ricos También Lloran” and “Tu o nadie”. That said, I started out different. I had no true concept of what it meant to be black until I started going to Mother Henderson’s daycare.The memory of my first meal at the daycare (boxed Mac and Cheese with cut-up hot dogs) is still vivid 20 years later.

I remember not understanding why the cheese disappeared into the macaroni as it cooled or why tasteless orange lumps were considered food. I contemplated this as I tried to figure out what type of animal was used to create the pink oval shaped pieces of “meat” that smelled and tasted like regurgitation. Disgusted does not begin to describe how I felt and as is usual with a black grandmother, I was not allowed to leave the table until I finished my food. I suffered that day.

Over time I assimilated into the culture and my palette changed accordingly, however I still found myself on the outskirts never fully fitting in. Never fully being accepted. I expected this to change when I went to college and surrounded myself with like-minded people who were striving for knowledge as I was. I assumed this stigma of being different, from the group of people who were supposed to accept me, wouldn’t remain. I was wrong.

For years I heard things like “You want to go to a Florence and the Machine concert? That’s that white people shit. You’re weird.”

Or

“You hang out with all those Asian people.”

The subtexts always being: you don’t want to hang out with your own people.

It took joining a Black Greek Letter Organization for some of the chatter to dissipate. My main motivation for joining was to find social acceptance within the black community. But it didn’t help.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pRHOud member of a Divine 9 organization and I love my sisterhood. I was even fortunate to make it to the highest levels of leadership as an undergraduate, but I never felt completely myself in that role or with my sorors.

To this day I will admit I still feel a slight sense of insecurity and intimidation when around certain black people; but only those who are closed off and uninterested in the world outside of black culture. It’s taken me years to admit this to myself but as they say in AA, acceptance is the first step to recovery.

I accept that being different has caused insecurities.

I accept I will make an effort to combat my insecurities.

But I also accept it is okay to be different and it is okay to live outside what is expected and “normal.”

It’s okay to own all the Panic! at the Disco and Kendrick Lamar albums. It’s okay to listen to Utada, Tae Yang, Nancy Arajam, and Fetty Wap.

It is okay to watch Shingeki no Kyojin, Boys over Flower, or Doctor Who.

I’ve accepted all of this. And I am enjoying life more because of it.